three reasons why this blog has been quiet for the past two years

reason 1: i became a special needs mom

Back when I started this blog, I was a mom and a disability ministry leader and a former special ed teacher... but I had the luxury of choosing the special needs world. When you choose to enter that world, you can also choose to leave. It's more of a visit. Perhaps it's a long-term visit, but it's a visit nonetheless.

For families who live with significant, life-impacting disabilities, they don't just visit the special needs world. It's their permanent residence. 

When we adopted our youngest child, who has cerebral palsy, I became a special needs mom. The change from being a visitor to being a resident of special needs world made me lose my voice for a bit. As a visitor, I knew how I wrote, encouraged, prodded, and exhorted the church to throw open the door to people of all abilities. Something shifted with our Zoe's arrival, and I didn't know where I fit for a time.

Then the shift became more pronounced when our Robbie had his first seizure, ushering us into an unexpected diagnosis of epilepsy and fixing us firmly in special needs world.

I didn't feel like I fit any longer with the special needs ministry leaders whose lives weren't directly affected by disability, because now mine was. But I didn't feel like I fit with the other leaders, because I was about five minutes into the life that they had walked for months or years or decades or more. 

Instead of just sharing what God was doing in our lives, I thought I had to fit one of two molds. I was wrong, but my mistake held my tongue for a while.

reason 2: i was caught up with a different God-led adventure

My husband and I always planned to adopt someday. 

We thought someday would be around 2014ish. 

Someday turned out to be two special needs adoptions much sooner than planned, one child in 2012 and three more in 2013. Our family blog shares a lot more about those stories, but suffice it to say that God's plan was immeasurably better than the one we had.

But the time involved in His glorious plan meant less time spent writing here, a trade-off I'd gladly make all over again.

reason 3: i was grieving 

Christian died one year ago today. 

He was 7.

My two oldest children are 7 this year, and today I'm thinking of them and thinking of him. I'd like to say something mature about this being his heaven-iversary or something that reiterates the post I shared about Christian one year ago. But you know what? I'm going to say something honest instead: I'm mad that I got to see my girls turn 7 but I didn't get to see Christian turn 8. 

Grief is hard.

Somehow, I miss Christian more now than I did last year. 

I miss him every time I do the laundry, washing shirts that used to be his. I miss him every time I help my boys pick out clothes, because they often wear outfits I remember on him. His mama - a dear friend - blessed us with the gift of the clothes I wish her son was wearing instead of mine. 

Sometimes grief just takes the words away for a time. 

Those are three reasons this blog was quiet for a time...

...but they are also three reasons why this blog is back, with 30 posts already scheduled and more to come. I'm even more passionate about special needs ministry than I was when I last posted regularly, because:

1. I'm a special needs mom now, so it's more personal.
2. Our adoptions have made us much more familiar with the special needs of foster and adoptive families in churches around this country.
3. Special needs ministry involves grief sometimes. And we all need each other to walk through that and other hard stuff.

If you're reading this, then you didn't give up on me in the quiet times. Thank you for that.

And thank you for joining me in a conversation worth having.