I don't fear the tears.

This morning found me cradling a cold cup of coffee {maybe I'll get to drink it warm once the kids are in college?} while warm tears traversed my cheeks.

Don't worry; all is well here. Zoe is doing amazing new things, like independently drinking from a sippy cup and strutting down the hall with help from a push-behind toy and ankle braces and a rockstar physical therapist.

Jocelyn is wrapping up her kindergarten year. Robbie is learning more facts about reptiles, as if he doesn't know enough yet. Lee's work is good. Adoption fundraising is coming slowly but surely. My coffee was cold, but it was good.

So why the tears?

Because I read a passage in a book in which the author talked about pastoral visits during those unexpected late-night rushes to the ER, and my mind immediately went back to Thanksgiving. I'm pretty sure I have a touch of PTSD from that night I try not to think about, lest the tears flow anew.

I can never put words to just how thoroughly Robbie's seizure shook me to my core. He hasn't had another. We're not on any seizure meds right now, and his brain seems to have recovered from the trauma of that terrible 15 minutes in November. 

But still, I'm shaken just thinking about it.

And? I'm thankful. 

I love serving families affected by disability because they live in brokenness and, unlike many other folks I see on Sunday mornings, they daily acknowledge those broken places, often in public ways. Being shaken by Robbie's seizure brought us face to face with our broken places. 

The only response to that is the same response my kids demonstrate when something of theirs is broken: bring it to Daddy for fixing.

2012 was the hardest year of my life so far, but it was the best too, as God drew us into sweet communion with Him in the midst of brokenness, showing us the beauty that could be found there. I don't doubt that 2013 will enter the record books as well, as we travel to Africa to double our number of children. 

I am thankful to consider the pain in our past over coffee and tears, and I am encouraged knowing the God who brought us through those hurts will be faithful to bring us through whatever He ordains for us in 2013 and beyond. I don't fear the future, because He is with us and leading us. 

I don't fear the tears, either. 

Sometimes it's best to let them spill out of the broken places.