honest and ugly, but grateful

Yesterday was a rough day. Basically, we were given hope last week that a large donation toward our adoption expenses would be coming in this week, and the actual amount turned out to be a fraction of what we had been expecting and felt that we had been promised. I went from thinking that most of our expenses were covered to realizing that we still have a long way to go. The "how to donate" post I had taken down last week in anticipation of the donation went back up.

It was hard. Tears were plentiful. 

The hardest part, though, was dealing with the ugliness of my emotions. When I read the Bible and see examples of God doing something huge for His people and then those same people doubting Him the next day or next month... well, it frustrates me. I think in disgust, "Seriously?!? Look at what God did for you, and your hearts shift from grateful to whiny in such a short time anyway? How fickle."

Well, my friends, that was me yesterday. God has been moving in huge ways in our lives in the past few weeks, and I was mad that He didn't move in the one way I wanted and expected. And instead of being thankful for the gift that was given, I was angry it wasn't more.

Yep, an attitude of entitlement is an ugly thing.

I share this because I want to be real and transparent. And because I want you to know that we are not perfect. Yes, we're being faithful in following God's will for our family all the way to Taiwan, but we are unfaithful daily in so many other ways. 

Today, I'm choosing gratitude. I'm choosing trust. I'm choosing faith.

Specifically, I'm thankful that in the last 24 hours:

• we did have the commitment of that donation
• we had a friend share with us that they're selling their third vehicle (valued about $7,000), hoping to get $5,000 for it, and planning to donate the entire sale amount to our adoption expenses (I'll be posting the details and pictures of the vehicle later this week!)
• a popular blogger in the disability community contacted me about donating a $50 Amazon gift card to our silent auction
• I confirmed March 22 as the night for our adoption fundraiser at Chick-fil-a at Falls Village (mark it on your calendars, Raleigh folks! more details coming soon!)
• I woke up to two new pictures of Zoe Amanda in my email inbox!

I'll have two posts later this week with info about donations and with practical needs we have, and - to be honest with you - I'm not looking forward to those posts. (I didn't even like asking my parents for money when I was in high school, and I find it even less fun to post about the financial aspect of adoption on this blog.) But I'm grateful that we have the opportunity to be blessed by the addition of Zoe Amanda to our family, so I'll do it. And I'll balance those out with a couple posts full of pictures and stories from our lives (like yesterday's post about Robbie's antics), as a way of making myself feel less guilty about asking for money.

And you know what? I'm looking forward to the day when the pages of this blog can be less about the nitty gritty adoption details and more about random thoughts from yours truly and reviews of books and pictures of our three children.