not understanding the circumstances, but trusting anyway
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I'm still not feeling up to generating new content here, but I'd love to share an old post from my other blog. I wrote it the day before my then six-month-old son Robbie had an MRI to explore possible spinal abnormalities. It turned out that no abnormalities were present, but the whole process was daunting for us.
As an update, I am doing better than I was yesterday. This head cold has me curled up in bed or on the couch with far more television being consumed by the kids than usual, but I can hobble with a little less pain due to a cortisone injection in my knee. It will get me through our October 1st respite event and through an MRI, which will help us know what other next steps we'll need. Thanks for your prayers and encouragement yesterday!
And now, my post from October 7, 2009...
Tomorrow is the MRI for Robbie. I was sharing with a friend last night that my biggest concern isn't the results, since we're totally trusting God with all of that. I told her that what still had my stomach in knots was the thought of tomorrow morning. Robbie can't nurse after 1:30am because he has to be sedated. We have to be at the hospital at 7:30am. As I told my friend, by the time of the MRI at 8:30am, he would have nursed twice, sometimes three times, on a typical day (since our little man cluster feeds in the morning). I told her that he would be hungry and crying and wouldn't understand why Mommy wasn't feeding him. I told her that the part I was dreading of all this wasn't the MRI or the wait for results (not sure how long that'll be) ... but rather the morning of seeing my son hungry, being capable of feeding him, and choosing to withhold that from him. Tears are coming to my eyes right now as I anticipate his cries as he can see Mommy but can't understand why Mommy won't feed him. There isn't a way for me to explain to him why he's hungry or to explain to him that it's just temporary or to help him understand that nothing will keep me from nursing him as soon as the medical professionals give me the green light. I know all of that, but he won't. He can't grasp that we're letting this occur for his good, so that we can see what his spine looks like. And it's likely that he'll be crying, upset and confused and hungry, not understanding the circumstances at all.
And as I thought about this tonight, it brought me back to my favorite thing about parenting: what it teaches me about God.
How many times have I cried, not understanding the pain or discomfort of my circumstances? How many times have I thought I knew exactly what I needed, praying in a way that tries to demand, "God, give me this," as if I know my needs and the big picture better than He does? And, yet, our wise Father has reasons for withholding what I think I need. Looking back at my past, I can understand some of those reasons now. Other reasons I may never understand. But my prayer tonight is that I'll remember this the next time I'm crying to God about something that has made me upset, confused, and hungry. And that, in that moment, I'll be reminded that our sovereign God causes and allows those moments in our lives as part of His plan for our good and His glory, just as Lee and I are going to allow some discomfort into Robbie's life tomorrow morning because it's part of a plan we've made with his doctor for his ultimate good.
I am SO thankful that God has given me the sweet blessing of mothering these two darlings! And I am amazed by the lessons He teaches me as I live out that blessing every day.
(Oh, and my sweet friend - the one who I shared these concerns with last night - told me that she had had similar concerns when one of her babies had to have some procedures done. She prayed that it wouldn't be an issue, and it wasn't. There were no tears, no fits, no angry baby-ness, even though her little one was hungry. That made me realize how much I limit my prayers! Instead of praying that God will help me deal with Robbie's cries tomorrow, I'm now praying that He will supernaturally comfort Robbie even though he can't eat. And, just as Azariah, Hananiah, and Mishael answered Nebuchadnezzar in Daniel 3:16-18, my attitude is simply that God can do that ... but, even if He doesn't, He is still God and we still trust Him.)
~+~
As I mentioned at the beginning, the MRI was all clear. And you know what? He didn't even cry to nurse until the whole procedure was done and we were nearly cleared for him to eat ... cuddles and thumb-sucking held him over until then! You wouldn't guess it from the picture below, taken on that day in October, 2009, but he is now a tenacious two-year-old boy who keeps me on my toes and who blesses me beyond measure!
As an update, I am doing better than I was yesterday. This head cold has me curled up in bed or on the couch with far more television being consumed by the kids than usual, but I can hobble with a little less pain due to a cortisone injection in my knee. It will get me through our October 1st respite event and through an MRI, which will help us know what other next steps we'll need. Thanks for your prayers and encouragement yesterday!
And now, my post from October 7, 2009...
Tomorrow is the MRI for Robbie. I was sharing with a friend last night that my biggest concern isn't the results, since we're totally trusting God with all of that. I told her that what still had my stomach in knots was the thought of tomorrow morning. Robbie can't nurse after 1:30am because he has to be sedated. We have to be at the hospital at 7:30am. As I told my friend, by the time of the MRI at 8:30am, he would have nursed twice, sometimes three times, on a typical day (since our little man cluster feeds in the morning). I told her that he would be hungry and crying and wouldn't understand why Mommy wasn't feeding him. I told her that the part I was dreading of all this wasn't the MRI or the wait for results (not sure how long that'll be) ... but rather the morning of seeing my son hungry, being capable of feeding him, and choosing to withhold that from him. Tears are coming to my eyes right now as I anticipate his cries as he can see Mommy but can't understand why Mommy won't feed him. There isn't a way for me to explain to him why he's hungry or to explain to him that it's just temporary or to help him understand that nothing will keep me from nursing him as soon as the medical professionals give me the green light. I know all of that, but he won't. He can't grasp that we're letting this occur for his good, so that we can see what his spine looks like. And it's likely that he'll be crying, upset and confused and hungry, not understanding the circumstances at all.
And as I thought about this tonight, it brought me back to my favorite thing about parenting: what it teaches me about God.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9
How many times have I cried, not understanding the pain or discomfort of my circumstances? How many times have I thought I knew exactly what I needed, praying in a way that tries to demand, "God, give me this," as if I know my needs and the big picture better than He does? And, yet, our wise Father has reasons for withholding what I think I need. Looking back at my past, I can understand some of those reasons now. Other reasons I may never understand. But my prayer tonight is that I'll remember this the next time I'm crying to God about something that has made me upset, confused, and hungry. And that, in that moment, I'll be reminded that our sovereign God causes and allows those moments in our lives as part of His plan for our good and His glory, just as Lee and I are going to allow some discomfort into Robbie's life tomorrow morning because it's part of a plan we've made with his doctor for his ultimate good.
I am SO thankful that God has given me the sweet blessing of mothering these two darlings! And I am amazed by the lessons He teaches me as I live out that blessing every day.
(Oh, and my sweet friend - the one who I shared these concerns with last night - told me that she had had similar concerns when one of her babies had to have some procedures done. She prayed that it wouldn't be an issue, and it wasn't. There were no tears, no fits, no angry baby-ness, even though her little one was hungry. That made me realize how much I limit my prayers! Instead of praying that God will help me deal with Robbie's cries tomorrow, I'm now praying that He will supernaturally comfort Robbie even though he can't eat. And, just as Azariah, Hananiah, and Mishael answered Nebuchadnezzar in Daniel 3:16-18, my attitude is simply that God can do that ... but, even if He doesn't, He is still God and we still trust Him.)
~+~
As I mentioned at the beginning, the MRI was all clear. And you know what? He didn't even cry to nurse until the whole procedure was done and we were nearly cleared for him to eat ... cuddles and thumb-sucking held him over until then! You wouldn't guess it from the picture below, taken on that day in October, 2009, but he is now a tenacious two-year-old boy who keeps me on my toes and who blesses me beyond measure!