Supporting families or enabling dysfunction?
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A post I made last week, "But what if I think that kids with ______________ are making it up?" generated some good conversations in the comments and on one of Key Ministry's blogs, Church 4 Every Child. I promised a follow-up to one of the comments, which is where this post comes in.
As a pastor named Carey and I commented back and forth to one another on the other post, the tension between genuinely supporting families vs. enabling dysfunction emerged. I think it's a tension worth exploring a little more deeply. Here are the comments from Carey that motivated this post (pulled from longer comments; go here to see the rest of the conversation):
First, let's acknowledge that the tension of supporting families without enabling dysfunction is not specific to special needs ministry. It is is felt in any sort of ministry that involves families. The push for family ministry, led in part by our good friend and the pastor we serve with, is a vital step in the right direction. (I would highly recommend that you check out his books - one primarily for church leaders and another for parents.) The model we've followed for years, in which parents are expected to drop off their kids and then check out so that church leaders can disciple their kids, doesn't work. It doesn't work because it wasn't designed to work. The passage in Deuteronomy 6 makes it clear that parents are the ones responsible for their children's spiritual development.
This leads to my second point: Our role in children's and student ministry is to equip parents. I haven't read it so I'm not critiquing content, but I hate the title of a book that came out a few years back, Making Your Children's Ministry the Best Hour of Every Kid's Week. If we achieve the goal set forth in that title, then we have failed to equip parents well. As a stay-at-home mom who spends nearly every hour each week with my two-year-old son and four-year-old daughter, I certainly hope that Sunday morning isn't the best hour of their week nor the most spiritually rich time. It isn't meant to be. God didn't command the church to be the primary disciplers of children; that's the job of parents like me. If all of our programming and teaching is directed at the kids and we only interact with Mom or Dad at pick-up and drop-off time (if, of course, the kids don't just run out to the car or drive themselves, in which case we may be unable to even pick parents out of a line-up), then we're missing out. So what do we do at our church? (Keep in mind, though, that what you do might be different, and that's okay as long as you're engaging parents! Also, none of these are specific to special needs ministry, but we work to include elements to support them within each of these and we're considering adding support groups and speakers to do an even better job with that.)
Third, sometimes it won't be easy to engage parents. Maybe kids come with their friends. Maybe they live in a single-parent home in which that parent is working long hours. Maybe Mom and Dad aren't Christians. Maybe one or both parents have a disability (which was offered as a possibility in the Key Ministry post linked above). Maybe they've had bad church experiences. Maybe Mom and Dad didn't grow up in Christian homes and don't know what it looks like to raise kids who love Jesus. Or maybe Mom and Dad only know the old model and have no idea that they should be teaching their kids instead of asking the church to do so.
Fourth, when it's not easy to engage parents, we need to be both creative and compassionate. Have you read the beginning of Genesis lately? Or simply looked around outside? Our God is a creative God. He didn't have to make seasons. He didn't have to make flowers or beaches or mountains or dandelions or lightning bugs. But he did. He can guide you in ways to creatively reach out to parents so that you can equip them to lead their families.
In addition to creativity, we need compassion. I had a mom snap at me a couple weeks ago. Afterward, I went to the staff member who was most likely to hear about it if that mom complained and explained what happened. That staff member, a dear friend of mine, responded with some wise words: "You never know what else has happened in her life this morning." I didn't. And you don't. Whenever we make assumptions - especially negative ones - we've chosen to set compassion on the shelf.
And, finally, many parents of kids with special needs have been insulted, wounded, or attacked already; don't make church just another place for that to happen. On one Sunday I'll never forget, I needed to talk to a couple of parents about a minor issue. They were serving a subs for children's ministry that morning, and when they went to the children's ministry desk to check in, they were told that I needed to talk to them. When they approached me, anxiety exuded from them. As I began to talk with them, they released audible sighs of relief. They were worried that I was bearing bad news because all of their previous experiences of "you need to talk to ______________" had been bad ones. In another memorable encounter, I spoke with a parent about a problematic behavior and felt like the conversation went well, ending with a huge hug from her son as he nearly knocked me down. The next week I saw the family, and their son wasn't there. When I asked how he was, assuming he was home sick, I found out that they had asked a friend to watch him instead of bringing him back because they didn't want to make my job any harder than it is. I'm still working to rebuild that relationship. I don't think I said anything wrong when I addressed the issue, but I didn't add the extra dollop of compassion necessary for a parent who is accustomed to only hearing about the bad behavior and/or academic deficits of their child.
I know I haven't talked much about enabling dysfunction in families, but that's because the previous points address that. If you're working to equip and engage parents without wounding them, then you'll be helping families to be rooted in Christ and you'll be helping them steer clear of pitfalls.
If you're supporting and providing resources (including yourself) to parents, then you can't be enabling dysfunction at the same time. Instead, you will be directing them to the One who is the remedy to any possible dysfunction.
As a pastor named Carey and I commented back and forth to one another on the other post, the tension between genuinely supporting families vs. enabling dysfunction emerged. I think it's a tension worth exploring a little more deeply. Here are the comments from Carey that motivated this post (pulled from longer comments; go here to see the rest of the conversation):
I agree that we should not make conclusions without all the facts. However, as a Pastor, and one who is continually involved in family and marriage counseling, my concern is that some/many/alot (not sure the figure) of the ADHD diagnosis are not hitting the true need the child has - better parenting.
I'm concerned about those who are quick to label their child with special needs as a way to side-step their Biblical responsibility as parents. Parenting is not easy, and many shirk it like they do other difficult things in life (conflict, work, etc.). Those children get drugs instead of loving discipline, and they are not served well by it. From my seat it seems all too common.My aim in this post is to present a healthy family ministry perspective, but I'm not going to respond in depth here to the assumptions made in those comments about treatment or diagnosis. Steve did a nice job of that in his response at Church 4 Every Child, Are Parents of Kids with ADHD Stigmatized at Church?
First, let's acknowledge that the tension of supporting families without enabling dysfunction is not specific to special needs ministry. It is is felt in any sort of ministry that involves families. The push for family ministry, led in part by our good friend and the pastor we serve with, is a vital step in the right direction. (I would highly recommend that you check out his books - one primarily for church leaders and another for parents.) The model we've followed for years, in which parents are expected to drop off their kids and then check out so that church leaders can disciple their kids, doesn't work. It doesn't work because it wasn't designed to work. The passage in Deuteronomy 6 makes it clear that parents are the ones responsible for their children's spiritual development.
Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. {Deutronomy 6:4-9}Who are the ones called to teach their children to love the Lord? Parents.
This leads to my second point: Our role in children's and student ministry is to equip parents. I haven't read it so I'm not critiquing content, but I hate the title of a book that came out a few years back, Making Your Children's Ministry the Best Hour of Every Kid's Week. If we achieve the goal set forth in that title, then we have failed to equip parents well. As a stay-at-home mom who spends nearly every hour each week with my two-year-old son and four-year-old daughter, I certainly hope that Sunday morning isn't the best hour of their week nor the most spiritually rich time. It isn't meant to be. God didn't command the church to be the primary disciplers of children; that's the job of parents like me. If all of our programming and teaching is directed at the kids and we only interact with Mom or Dad at pick-up and drop-off time (if, of course, the kids don't just run out to the car or drive themselves, in which case we may be unable to even pick parents out of a line-up), then we're missing out. So what do we do at our church? (Keep in mind, though, that what you do might be different, and that's okay as long as you're engaging parents! Also, none of these are specific to special needs ministry, but we work to include elements to support them within each of these and we're considering adding support groups and speakers to do an even better job with that.)
- We have some parenting classes at the same time as our Sunday morning classes for children and students.
- When all our middle and high school students gather together one night a month, we have meetings with parents at the same time.
- Our new curriculum, Treasuring Christ, includes a piece that connects church and home, providing resources to parents that can help them teach their children.
- We have some mission trips that families can go on together.
Third, sometimes it won't be easy to engage parents. Maybe kids come with their friends. Maybe they live in a single-parent home in which that parent is working long hours. Maybe Mom and Dad aren't Christians. Maybe one or both parents have a disability (which was offered as a possibility in the Key Ministry post linked above). Maybe they've had bad church experiences. Maybe Mom and Dad didn't grow up in Christian homes and don't know what it looks like to raise kids who love Jesus. Or maybe Mom and Dad only know the old model and have no idea that they should be teaching their kids instead of asking the church to do so.
Fourth, when it's not easy to engage parents, we need to be both creative and compassionate. Have you read the beginning of Genesis lately? Or simply looked around outside? Our God is a creative God. He didn't have to make seasons. He didn't have to make flowers or beaches or mountains or dandelions or lightning bugs. But he did. He can guide you in ways to creatively reach out to parents so that you can equip them to lead their families.
In addition to creativity, we need compassion. I had a mom snap at me a couple weeks ago. Afterward, I went to the staff member who was most likely to hear about it if that mom complained and explained what happened. That staff member, a dear friend of mine, responded with some wise words: "You never know what else has happened in her life this morning." I didn't. And you don't. Whenever we make assumptions - especially negative ones - we've chosen to set compassion on the shelf.
And, finally, many parents of kids with special needs have been insulted, wounded, or attacked already; don't make church just another place for that to happen. On one Sunday I'll never forget, I needed to talk to a couple of parents about a minor issue. They were serving a subs for children's ministry that morning, and when they went to the children's ministry desk to check in, they were told that I needed to talk to them. When they approached me, anxiety exuded from them. As I began to talk with them, they released audible sighs of relief. They were worried that I was bearing bad news because all of their previous experiences of "you need to talk to ______________" had been bad ones. In another memorable encounter, I spoke with a parent about a problematic behavior and felt like the conversation went well, ending with a huge hug from her son as he nearly knocked me down. The next week I saw the family, and their son wasn't there. When I asked how he was, assuming he was home sick, I found out that they had asked a friend to watch him instead of bringing him back because they didn't want to make my job any harder than it is. I'm still working to rebuild that relationship. I don't think I said anything wrong when I addressed the issue, but I didn't add the extra dollop of compassion necessary for a parent who is accustomed to only hearing about the bad behavior and/or academic deficits of their child.
I know I haven't talked much about enabling dysfunction in families, but that's because the previous points address that. If you're working to equip and engage parents without wounding them, then you'll be helping families to be rooted in Christ and you'll be helping them steer clear of pitfalls.
If you're supporting and providing resources (including yourself) to parents, then you can't be enabling dysfunction at the same time. Instead, you will be directing them to the One who is the remedy to any possible dysfunction.