I know which side I'm on

If you know me even a little bit, you know I like facts. I feel incomplete if I haven't read the paper cover to cover (minus the sports section). If I hear about something I haven't heard about, I research it. I like statistics. I like reading research and determining whether or not it was well done (the study size large enough, the conclusions sound, and so on). When I was bored as a child, I read the encyclopedia and copied sections of the dictionary. (I only wish I were lying when I say that I copied from the beginning through the word "kite." Yes, I am a nerd.) I read every non-fiction book in my elementary school library, some twice. I considered writing two research papers in ninth grade, one for a grade and one for fun, because I was having trouble choosing between two topics. I was the kid on the high school paper who wrote the articles that the teachers read and students ignored (like coverage of the most recent school board meeting). My cousin and her husband were disappointed when I, during a visit in middle school, asked if we could visit an old military fort instead of going somewhere else (can't remember where, maybe an alligator farm?). My favorite section of the newspaper when I was little (yes, my newspaper addiction started young!) was a column that came out once a week and listed stats from the week; I can still picture the one when the Florida Aquarium opened, listing the number of stingrays (5 at that time) and the number of gallons of paint used (can't remember that one, but it had at least one comma in it). I think you get the picture. I like facts.

Today I'm praising God that there's a difference between facts and the truth. Here are some examples:

• Fact: Jesus was dead. In a tomb. Broken. Lifeless.

Truth: Jesus is alive. Raised from the dead. Healing the broken. The ultimate life-giver.
• Fact: On February 21, our friends Tim and Jenn were told that their baby girl had a heart defect. In Jenn's words on their blog on the 22nd, "So overall, medically speaking, things don't look too great. There is a chance that her heart could give out before she is born."

Truth: Charlotte Ruth is a week-and-a-half old. She has made it through one surgery and is holding up well in the NICU. She will likely leave the NICU very soon. (Keep praying, though!) As Jenn wrote in that same blog post, "As my Mama shared today, these are the facts. BUT, our God is big and he alone knows the truth of this situation."

• Fact: Yesterday our friends Neal and Heather were told that their unborn child might have one of two different genetic issues. They were also treated by medical professionals as if the twin of this sweet child, who passed away early in the pregnancy, was not a loss of life.

Truth: God created both of their unborn children, the one who died early on and the one whose test results next week will tell Neal and Heather whether or not the genetic issues are real in their baby (and we're praying that they aren't!). Psalm 139:13-16 is true for both of them.

• Fact: Ruth, a delightful woman I sat next to on my flight to Houston on Monday, has cancer. For the third or fourth time. Surgeries have left her looking remarkably different than what she used to look like. She was flying with her husband for treatment. I've seen pre-surgery pictures on a brochure she carries with her of her testimony and on her blog, and she was beautiful by the world's standards then. Now, the world would say that she has every right to be bitter and that she isn't representative of our culture's (warped) definition of beauty.

Truth: I don't know if I've ever met a woman as beautiful as Ruth. She sparkled and glowed with the light of Christ. While the world says she should be bitter, she carries brochures proclaiming the hope she has in Christ to pass out to people at the cancer center, in hotels, and on planes. Ruth is the very antonym of the word bitter.

And, finally:

Fact: My MRI results from Monday are back, and I have rheumatoid arthritis. It sounds like the MRI showed that the bones in my right hand have already started to erode due to RA in the seven months that I've been having joint pain. I'll know more after my follow-up appt on the 28th, but for now I know that RA is a nasty disease.

Fact: RA is known as the crippling type of arthritis. Many people with arthritis become disabled, unable to use certain joints or whole sections of their body. It is a bad sign, medically speaking, that my bones are already eroding this early.

Fact: While there have been major breakthroughs in treatment for RA, there is no cure. It can go into remission, but even remission is defined as morning stiffness for no more than 15 minutes in the absence of joint pain and swelling, so it is unlikely, medically speaking, that my joints will ever feel the way they used it. Medically speaking, RA doesn't go away on this side of heaven.

Fact: Those major breakthroughs have provided drugs that make a significant difference. However, these drugs often require addition drugs to be taken to counter their harmful side effects.

Fact: I cannot currently wear regular shoes (woohoo for Crocs!), get dressed, or bear much weight on my wrists without pain, often severe, tear-inducing pain. I've had to learn new ways to turn the ignition in the car because it hurt so bad to do so normally that I considered giving up driving until all this improved. When I wake up in the morning, I lay still for as long as I can because I know my joints will begin crying out in pain as soon as I move; in those still moments, I can pretend this disease doesn't exist. I could go on, but that paints enough of a picture.

Fact: Even though RA has been on the table as a possibility since December, I deflated when I got the news. I had about thirty minutes feeling relieved that we finally know; after that, the "knowing" hit me hard. I can't talk about the diagnosis without starting to cry. Don't get me wrong; I know the truth (see below). You can know and trust the truth and still be daunted by the facts. That's where I am right now.

Truth: I could go on and on with the facts (remember, I'm a fact-lover!), but the truth is that God is still on the throne. He is still King of this kingdom. He is still in control. I still trust Him.

Truth: The truth is Romans 8:28: "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (NRSV)

Truth: The truth is Isaiah 55:8-9: " 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." I don't understand this, and part of me is screaming, "This is not the way I would have it!" But I know God's ways are infinitely better than mine, and I want His way not my own.

Truth: The truth is John 10:10: "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." I want His abundance, His full life, not that which I would prefer or consider better. Nothing is better than the life Christ offers. I'm not going to allow the thief to steal, kill, and destroy my faith and hope; I will not be bitter about this. I'm taking the full life path. Who's with me?

Truth: The truth is Philippians 4:11-12: "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." I can't honestly say I'm content with this diagnosis. But this tells me that it is possible to be content whatever the circumstances. I want that contentment, that is my new prayer. (My prayer earlier this week had been that God would not allow me to become bitter and that He would cut away any bitterness that had started to form in my heart. I'm not okay with just praying not to become bitter; I want contentment. That's my new prayer.)

Truth: The truth is Philippians 2:14-15: "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe." You know that saying, "I can't complain." Well, it's usually a lie. We usually can find something to complain about. I know I could complain. But I'm not going to. I'd rather shine.

So there you go. It's facts vs. truth. I'm siding with truth. This doesn't mean I won't acknowledge or respond to the facts. (On that note, please pray for us as we choose the direction for my treatment.) It just means I know which side is going to win, and I know which side is right.

Which side are you on today?